What is Reactive Abuse and What is its Role in the Abuse Cycle?
Reactive abuse is often referenced but can be misunderstood. Reactive abuse happens when someone who's been dealing with ongoing emotional, physical, or psychological maltreatment finally reacts, usually by lashing out in an attempt to defend themselves. Although these reactions can come off as aggressive, they’re more of a response to the constant manipulation, coercion, or emotional distress they've been facing. It is ultimately a reaction to the ongoing mistreatment they have been receiving. It’s important to realize that reactive abuse is more about the situation than the person's character. Many victims feel stuck in a tough cycle, and often, abusers take advantage of these moments to flip the script and make the victim look like the bad guy. Understanding this cycle helps shed light on the real effects of abuse and highlights how important support is for those experiencing it.
Defining Reactive Abuse: A Response, Not the Problem
Reactive abuse is characterized by the victim's response to the relentless stress and fear created by their abuser. When pushed to the limit, even the most passive individuals may react with anger or frustration. However, unlike intentional, sustained abuse, this reaction is often a desperate, reflexive attempt to regain control in a situation where the victim’s power has been stripped away over time. According to Dr. Christine Murray, reactive abuse can be seen as an emotional reaction to “being trapped or victimized by the perpetrator” and is not an indicator that the victim is inherently abusive (Murray, 2019).
In toxic relationships, abusers use tactics like manipulation, gaslighting, and isolation to destabilize their victims. When victims eventually react, the abuser often frames them as the "real" abuser. This tactic, known as DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), allows the abuser to evade responsibility while disempowering the victim (Harsey et al., 2017). This leads the victim to be further confused in the dynamic and continue to question themselves.
Distinguishing Reactive Abuse from Prolonged Abuse
There is an important distinction between reactive abuse and chronic or intentional abuse, particularly in terms of frequency and underlying motivations. Chronic abuse involves deliberate and repeated actions designed to establish dominance and control over the victim, typically using coercive tactics to maintain power. In contrast, reactive abuse usually occurs as a single or infrequent outburst that follows the victim reaching a breaking point after enduring prolonged mistreatment.
Lundy Bancroft, a well-known expert on abusive relationships, argues that abusers use violence purposefully and strategically. It is important to note that violence in toxic and abusive relationships is not always physical. In contrast, victims typically engage in reactive abuse from a place of self-defense or desperation, without any intention to control or harm others (Bancroft, 2003). Abusers might provoke their victims to get a reaction and then twist things around to make themselves look like the victim. It’s important to recognize how much prolonged abuse can affect someone, so we can spot when reactive abuse is being used as a way for the abuser to shift the blame.
The Role of Gaslighting in Reactive Abuse
Gaslighting plays a significant role in the development of reactive abuse. Abusers often use gaslighting to make their victims question their reality, which can lead to increased frustration and emotional instability. Over time, victims of gaslighting may feel so confused and disoriented that they react with anger or defensiveness. As Dr. Robin Stern explains, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that "undermines the victim’s sense of reality," often leaving them doubting their memories, perceptions, or judgment (Stern, 2007).
When victims finally react, their abusers are quick to capitalize on the moment. By claiming that they are the ones being attacked, abusers continue the gaslighting cycle, reinforcing the victim’s self-doubt and guilt. The abuser might even use the victim’s reaction as "proof" that the victim is mentally unstable, violent, or overly emotional—further isolating the victim and strengthening their own position of power.
Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Abuse
Recognizing reactive abuse for what it is—a symptom of prolonged mistreatment rather than an act of genuine abuse—is crucial for anyone supporting a victim. Friends, family, and professionals should understand that reactive abuse is not a sign of an abusive personality but rather a trauma response. Studies have shown that victims of abuse often suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and other trauma-related conditions, which can heighten their emotional responses in abusive situations (Dutton & Greene, 2010).
To break the cycle, it's important for victims to regain a sense of control over their emotions. Different therapeutic interventions such as Attachment-Focused EMDR, Cognitive Processing Therapy, and therapies aimed at looking at patterns of codependency can help victims of reactive abuse understand their triggers and develop healthier coping mechanisms. At the same time, support networks must ensure that the survivor is heard, validated, and supported, rather than being labeled as equally abusive due to their reaction to the injustice that they received.
What Can You Do? Recognizing Reactive Abuse as Part of the Larger Picture
Reactive abuse, while it may appear violent or aggressive, is not indicative of an abusive personality. Instead, it is a response to ongoing trauma and a survival mechanism for those trapped in toxic and manipulative relationships. Understanding this distinction is vital in addressing abuse properly, ensuring that victims are not wrongly blamed for their reactions. Professionals and support networks must look at the broader picture of the relationship dynamics, recognizing the abuser's long-term patterns of control and manipulation, rather than focusing on isolated incidents of reactive behavior.
By understanding and validating the reality of reactive abuse, society can provide better support for victims, helping them find healthier ways to process their trauma and break free from the cycle of abuse.
References:
Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Dutton, M. A., & Greene, R. (2010). Resilience and Trauma: The Role of Individual and Group Resources in Recovery. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 19(1), 102-122.
Harsey, S., Zurbriggen, E. L., & Freyd, J. J. (2017). Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender (DARVO): What Is the Influence on Perceived Victim and Perpetrator Credibility? Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 26(6), 626-644.
Murray, C. E. (2019). The Role of Survivor Definitions of Abuse in the Process of Leaving Abusive Relationships. Journal of Family Violence, 34(7), 621-632.
Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life.
