Trauma Bonding - What is it and How do I Break Free?
Some people misuse the term trauma bonding as connecting with someone over a shared trauma. This is not what trauma bonding is. Trauma bonding is a complex psychological phenomenon that occurs in abusive relationships, creating significant barriers for the victim to leave. This emotional attachment is formed through cycles of abuse and intermittent reinforcement, such as love bombing, creating a strong connection to the abuser despite the endured abuse. In this post, you will learn the concept of trauma bonding, its causes, warning signs, and effective strategies to break free.
What is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is not connecting with another person by sharing traumatic experiences. Pop psychology tends to misuse this phrase. Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment between an abuser and a victim that forms through repeated patterns of abuse followed by moments of kindness or affection. This part of the cycle is called love bombing. This cycle of abuse and reward creates a psychological dependency in the victim, making it difficult to detach even when the relationship is damaging or dangerous. This dependency can be equated to someone addicted to drugs despite knowing the negative health effects.
The concept of "trauma bonding" was coined by psychologist Patrick Carnes in his research on abusive relationships. He observed how victims can form strong emotional bonds with their abusers, similar to how addiction works (Carnes, 1997). This type of bonding is commonly found in situations involving domestic violence, childhood abuse, and toxic relationships. The victim holds onto the hope for the good moments (love bombs) and can rationalize and excuse the bad ones. This leads them to remain invested in the harmful relationship.
How Trauma Bonding Happens
Trauma bonding occurs as a result of intermittent reinforcement. When someone is kind one moment and abusive the next, the brain is conditioned to seek out the moments of kindness and affection. Over time, the victim may develop a sense of learned helplessness, feeling powerless to change the situation but hoping things will improve (Seligman, 1975).
This cycle typically involves:
Idealization: The abuser initially showers the victim with love, attention, and affection, creating a strong emotional bond (also referred to as love bombing).
Devaluation: The abuser begins to criticize, manipulate, or harm the victim, making them feel worthless and dependent.
Reconciliation: After the abuse, the abuser offers affection or apologies, giving the victim hope that things will get better (also referred to as future faking).
The alternating periods of love and abuse create a powerful bond, with the victim holding onto the positive moments, hoping they will eventually outweigh the negative ones.
Signs of Trauma Bonding
Recognizing trauma bonding is the first step to breaking free. Some common signs of trauma bonding include:
Justifying the Abuser’s Behavior: The victim may rationalize or minimize the abuse, blaming themselves or external factors for the abuser’s actions. They may believe that if they change their own behavior, the abuse will stop.
Feeling Unable to Leave: Despite recognizing the harm, the victim feels emotionally tethered to the abuser. They may fear being alone or believe they won’t find someone better, keeping them in the relationship.
Excessive Loyalty: Victims may defend the abuser to friends and family, refusing to acknowledge the severity of the abuse. This loyalty is often a coping mechanism to protect themselves from the emotional pain of the relationship.
Seeking Approval: The victim becomes fixated on gaining the abuser’s approval, believing that pleasing them will lead to stability or love. They may go to extreme lengths to avoid conflict or punishment.
Cycles between Joy and Fear: The relationship is marked by high-intensity emotional swings. Moments of affection or reconciliation are followed by periods of fear, tension, or violence, creating a rollercoaster of emotions (Carnes, 1997).
Why It’s So Hard to Leave
Victims of trauma bonding often wonder why it is so difficult to leave an abusive relationship. The psychological manipulation and emotional highs and lows create a powerful dependency, similar to addiction. The brain becomes conditioned to crave the abuser’s moments of affection, making the thought of leaving feel overwhelming. Additionally, fear of isolation, financial dependence, or threats from the abuser can keep victims stuck in the cycle.
Breaking Free from Trauma Bonding
Breaking free from trauma bonding is challenging but entirely possible with the right support and strategies. Here are some key steps:
Acknowledge the Reality of the Situation
Abusers use gaslighting as a manipulation tactic to cause their partner to question their reality. The first and most crucial step is to recognize that the relationship is abusive and toxic. Journaling the incidents of abuse and reviewing them can help clarify the reality of the situation. Understand that the moments of affection are not genuine signs of change, but part of the manipulation cycle.
Seek Support
Abusers isolate their victims so they feel alone. Reaching out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist can provide much-needed perspective and emotional support. Trauma-informed therapy is highly effective in helping victims break the emotional ties that keep them in abusive relationships (Shapiro, 2017).
Set Boundaries and Distance Yourself
It is essential to establish firm boundaries and, if possible, completely cut off contact with the abuser. Limiting exposure to the abuser’s influence helps to weaken the emotional bond. If cutting off contact immediately is not possible, gradually reduce communication while building a support system.
Focus on Self-Care and Self-Worth
Healing from trauma bonding involves rebuilding self-esteem and learning to prioritize personal needs. Engaging in self-care practices like mindfulness, physical exercise, or hobbies that bring joy can help shift the focus away from the abuser and toward one’s well-being (Neff, 2011).
Work with a Therapist to Unpack the Trauma
Healing from trauma bonding requires processing the initial trauma that contributed to the attachment in the first place. Therapies like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help survivors process traumatic memories and break free from the emotional hold of the abuser (Shapiro, 2017).
Develop a Safety Plan
If you are in a physically abusive relationship, creating a safety plan is critical. This includes having an emergency escape route, keeping important documents and belongings ready, and identifying safe places to go in case of danger. Your therapist can help you create a DV safety plan. If you feel safe using your computer, you can create one here.
Trauma bonding is a deeply rooted emotional attachment that makes it hard for victims to leave abusive relationships. Recognizing the signs, seeking support, and focusing on healing are essential steps toward breaking free from this destructive cycle. With the right resources and emotional resilience, it is possible to reclaim one’s life and find healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
References:
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships.
Seligman, M. E. P. (1975). Learned Helplessness: On Depression, Development, and Death.
Graham, D. L., Rawlings, E., & Rigsby, R. K. (1994). Loving to Survive: Sexual Terror, Men's Violence, and Women's Lives.
Shapiro, F. (2017). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
